Purely an Act of Self Defense, Part 2


As WC mentioned recently, WC is a lawyer. Which means at social occasions, everyone WC sees is overcome with the urge to tell a lawyer joke. In self defense, WC began collecting the things. Nothing stops a would-be wit better than responding to his or her lawyer joke with two or three of your own. Purely in self defense, of course.

WC is sharing that collection of lawyer jokes with his readers from time to time. We’ve previously covered more than enough jokes in Q and A format. Now we’ll take literary lawyer put-downs in joke form. A tiny bit of culture for WC’s readers. [Note: Some of these jokes may not be suitable for small children or persons of a delicate constitution.]

The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.

– H. L. Mencken


Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

– Winston Churchill


Lorenzo Dow, a 19th century evangelist, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter night. At the local general store he saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the potbellied stove.

Dow told the men about a recent vision in which he had been given a tour of hell, much like the traveler in Dante’s Inferno. One of the lawyers asked what he had seen.

“Very much what I see here,” Dow said. “All of the lawyers gathered in the hottest place.”


Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. — Montesquieu

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, short-sighted, and always ready to charge.

– David Mellor (b. 1949), British Conservative politician


A fox may steal your hens, Sir,
A whore your health and pence, Sir,
Your daughter rob your chest, Sir,
Your wife may steal your rest, Sir,
A thief your goods and plate.
But this is all but picking,
With rest, pence, chest and chicken;
It ever was decreed, Sir,
If lawyer’s hand is fee’d, Sir,
He steals your whole estate.

– John Gay (1685-1732), English dramatist. Peachum, in The Beggar’s Opera, act 1, sc. 9, Air 11.


I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.

– Samuel Johnson (1709-84), English author, lexicographer.


A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.”


“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. “My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”


A Lawyer and a wagon wheel must be well greased.

– Sarte

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