Purely an Act of Self-Defense, Part 4


You didn’t think WC had run out of these things already, did you?

As WC mentioned, WC is a lawyer. Which means at social occasions, everyone WC sees is overcome with the urge to tell a lawyer joke. In self defense, WC began collecting the things. Nothing stops a would-be wit better than responding to his or her lawyer joke with two or three of your own. Purely in self defense, of course.

WC is sharing that collection of lawyer jokes with his readers from time to time. We’ve previously covered more than enough jokes in Q and A format. We’ve had a brief look at literary lawyer putdowns. Now we’ll continue with lawyer jokes in story form. The number is vast. We’ll just take  few samples. [Note: Some of these jokes may not be suitable for small children or persons of a delicate constitution.]


A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”
The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck.”


There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”

St. Peter looked at him and said, “I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”

Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”

A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”

This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”

The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.

Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.

The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?”


The District Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, “Caribbean Cruise–$99.00”. He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.

The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.

The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State’s Attorney, “Do they serve drinks on this cruise?”

The District Attorney replied, “They didn’t last year!”


NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”


A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”


A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer’s cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died. Now the farmer’s son claimed ownership.

“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”

The next day the farmer’s son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his.

“I’ll take your case,” said the lawyer, “Don’t worry about the cows.”

Later, his secretary asked, “How can the cows belong to both?”

“Don’t worry about the cows,” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours.”


A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.”

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing you say that.”


One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked them.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” said the lawyer.

“But sir, I have a wife with six children,” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well.”

They all climbed into the limousine – no easy task – and one of the poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

“No problem,” said the lawyer, “The grass in my yard is about two feet tall.”


The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer,” he said. “How much for a quickie law degree?”

“About $50,000,” the lawyer said, “But why bother?”

“That’s my business. Get me the course.”

Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.

“Please, before it’s too late,” said the lawyer, “Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?”

As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, “One less lawyer.”


That’s more than enough for now. There will probably be more later.

Advertisements