Tales from Wasilla: Harding Custer Gets It All Wrong

The Alaska State Troopers have charged 27-year old Fairbanksan Harding Custer with first-degree robbery, first-degree burglary, third-degree assault, third-degree misconduct involving a weapon, first degree eluding, second-degree theft, and reckless driving down around Wasilla.

Now Mr. Custer’s escutcheon was already badly tarnished. There are those ten or so prior offenses. You’d think those priors would have given him a certain amount of experience. But, in fact, he was arrested for indecent exposure for taking a leak along the Nancy Lake Parkway.

The case involved a burglary, a robbery, an assault with a firearm, a high speed chase, and, of course, indecent exposure. Serious criminal behavior. It must be personally disappointing to Mr. Custer, when he is next sober, to have such a feeble Custer’s Last Stand. In the annals of showdowns, this one is a fail. He has certainly failed to live up to his last name.

Seriously. A protracted, if not very clever, crime spree with car chases at speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour and you’re busted emptying your bladder by the side of the road? Or maybe you were so stoned on the substances of your choice you confused your weapon and your gun? WC has been told that soldiers who call their weapon their gun are made to run around the parade ground, singing, “This is my weapon, this is my gun, one is for fighting, one is for fun.” Is that what happened? Or was it confusion about exactly what “the Little Big Horn” was?

WC is happy, if slightly disappointed, that matters ended without further excitement. Fine work by the Alaska State Troopers and the citizens of the Valley. But Mr. Custer’s credibiity as a Bad Dude must surely be impaired. While Mr. Custer is enjoying his long, long stay as a guest of the State of Alaska, his rep with his fellow convicts is bound to suffer. His credibility among Fairbanksan Bad Guys must be permanently damaged.

The missing blue Chevy Tahoe

The missing blue Chevy Tahoe

Oh, and if you see the blue Chevy Tahoe, Alaska license plate FFR 796, Mr. Custer was driving the Troopers would appreciate a call.