Porky’s Brag, Coach Tsjuimoto and Other News

A few news stories for the occasion:

The Republican majority coalitions in the Alaska House and Senate accepted the conclusion of their elders, the FOSSILS1 and have adopted a state income tax. “We admit it,” said House Speaker Mike Chennault, “Governor Walker was right and we were wrong. A severe recession is the greater threat. We’re looking at capping the permanent fund dividend next.”

Conoco-Phillips, British Petroleum and Exxon Mobil held a joint press conference this morning announcing that they would be voluntarily returning all of the oil tax credits they had received under HB 21. “Our employees live in Alaska. They’ve made it clear to us that they don’t want to live in a bankrupt state,” said industry spokesperson and former state senator Peter Micciche. “The oil industry wants to be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem.” On a personal note, former Senator Micciche apologized again to Alaskans for his failure to recognize the conflict of interest created by his employment at Conoco-Phillips and his service in the Alaska Legislature.

Rep. Tammy Wilson (R, Junkyards) made a surprise announcement that she is resigning from the Alaska Legislature and joining a nunnery immediately. Rep. Wilson declined to answer questions. WC and his readers wish the nunnery well.

The University of Alaska Anchorage Seawolves have reportedly hired former NHL Buffalo Sabres’ wingman Taro Tsjuimoto2 in a further effort to finally beat their arch-rival University of Alaska Fairbanks Nanooks. Tsjujimoto, drafted 183rd in the 1974 NHL draft, will replace Matt Thomas. Coach Thomas was released, not because of his 2015-16 record (11-20) but because budget cuts at UAA meant the University could no longer afford his salary. Tsjuimoto will reportedly coach for free.

Sigh. April Fools.

The tradition of a day for practical jokes, hoaxes and the like on or about April 1 goes back a long ways. You can find references in Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales (1392), and some scholars trace it back to the Roman Festival of Hilaria, on the spring equinox.

Alaska has a long history of wonderful practical jokes. Probably the most famous was the “eruption” of Mt. Edgecumbe in 1974, staged by the late Oliver “Porky” Bickar.

Porky's Brag

Porky’s Brag

WC can’t match Porky’s Brag, but can offer those hopeful, wishful hoaxes as a poor substitute. Enjoy your April 1.

  1.  Former Old Senior Statesmen in Legislative Service. 
  2. “The greatest hockey player to have never played the game.” “The most famous hockey player to have never existed.” 

One thought on “Porky’s Brag, Coach Tsjuimoto and Other News

  1. Reading this on April 2, I’d forgotten about April Fools. You had me believing, albeit shocked, awed, and……. Then…….arghhhhh. Wishful thinking had me in denial.

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