With sincere apologies to the late Eddie Lawrence:
[Cue funeral music]
You say you you were indicted for stealing $200,000 from the IRS? And you say the jury was out for less than an hour and found you guilty on all 22 counts? And the judge sentenced you to 14 years in the federal penitentiary? And your bunkmate has tattoos all over his face and is called “Animal”? And you can’t get a decent bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon no matter how much you bribe your guard? Is what what’s troubling you, Bunkie?
[Cue marching music]
Well take a walk in the sun with that dignity and stick-to-it-iveness, and you’ll show the world, you’ll show them where to get off. You’ll never give up, never give up, never give up — that ship! All you have to do, I say all you have to do, is make a $400,000 political contribution to Donald Trump, make friends with a Trump crony and you’ll have a pardon and be back in your Manhattan townhouse, gazing down at Central Park before you can say “Why isn’t this corruption?”
[Cute funeral music]
You say you were caught on tape flogging a U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder? You say they accused you of lying to the Feds about it? And you say the jury convicted you on all 14 counts? And you say you tried admitting you’d done wrong, and pleading for mercy from the sentencing judge, and the miserable SOB still sentenced you to 14 years in the Big House? And no one, absolutely no one in the prison can pronounce your last name correctly? And your bunkmate makes fun of your hair? Is that what’s troubling you, Cousin?
[Cute marching music]
Well lift your head up high and smile at the world, and you’ll show them crime pays! All you have to do, I say all you have to do is be a celebrity contestant on a “reality” television program hosted by the smug, braying jackass with equally bad hair, who someday might be President of these very United States of America and you’ll get a commutation of your sentence, I say a complete commutation of your sentence, letting you out of the slammer and back on the street.
[Cute funeral music]
You say you were caught dealing junk bonds that had about the same value as toilet paper? You say you lied to the Securities Exchange Commission about it? You say that when your junk bond scheme collapsed it caused a nation-wide recession? And you say the judge put you in the federal pen for ten years and fined you $600 million bucks, forcing you to spend nearly half of your petty cash account? And you say even though you got the sentence shortened to just two years, and you created a self-serving “charitable” foundation to try and rehab your reputation you still get no respect? You’ve had to fire five house servants in a row for snickering at you behind your back? Is that what’s troubling you, Buddy?
[Cue more marching music]
You just need to put the pep in your pop, smile at the world and laugh at all of your enemies. All you have to do, I say all you have to do, is write a few checks to conservative charities, hold your nose and cuddle up to the lunatic Rudy Giuliani, and before you can say “Junk Bond King” three times you’ll have a full and complete pardon from your fellow thief and crooked businessman, the President of These United States.
Obviously, WC could go through this exercise another eight times, but these three make the point. We have a President who redefines the concept of “corruption” every day. WC wishes that Eddie Lawrence was still around to bring his special skills to the farce that is the Trump Administration. For the real thing, as opposed to WC’s lame imitation, here’s the Old Philosopher himself: