Tales from Wasilla: The Bookburners’ Fantasy

The Matanuska-Susitna Borough reportedly has suspended its library policy. That policy allowed citizens to recommend books that they think should be removed from the library shelves. The library book policy was suspended when a January 18 meeting “devolved into a shouting match and name-calling.” The news led WC to write a bit of fiction which only slightly exaggerates where this is all headed.

Last Seven Books Removed
from Mat-Su Libraries

At a meeting of the Borough Library Advisory Board last night, the Board agreed to remove the last seven books remaining on the shelves of Borough libraries. The titles removed included a 1955 Sears Roebuck catalog that was probably there in error. There was no record that it had ever been checked out. Palmer resident Jackie Goforth, who has personally challenged more than 18,500 different library books, said that because the catalog contained drawings of men’s and women’s undergarments, it should be removed. The Advisory Board agreed.

There was noticeably less physical violence at last night’s meeting. Only three people were hospitalized afterwards, and just eleven required medical attention. At earlier meetings, gun fights have broken out among the Borough’s heavily armed citizens. Over the two years the Borough library policy has been in effect, six citizens have been killed and hundreds injured while at meetings of the Borough Library Advisory Board.

Last night, there was some delay in getting emergency responders into the meeting room. Demonstrators in the parking lot had ignited a fire in a very large pile of books that blocked EMT access to the meeting room. The demonstrators reportedly had formed a human chain, and were chanting “Stupid Is Good.”

In related news, the Borough Manager announced that the ongoing negotiations with WWE were “promising.” WWE has proposed using the Wasilla Library for live-streamed “cage matches.” Social media posts of past meetings of the Borough Library Advisory Board have been extremely popular on-line, getting tens of millions of views. Former Borough Librarian Claudia Bushmat called the idea of making a library a professional wrestling tournament venue “very sad.” Bushmat said, “I’d call it an ‘apotheosis’ but no one in the Valley would know what I meant.”

All but the first paragraph if this blog post is a work of fiction. Anything in this blog post resembling public or private individuals or events is purely coincidental. A hat tip to the late Prof. Jon R. Waltz for the use of the librarian’s name.